XfinitySiriusXMMGM announced today that in March they are going to lower the price on their MediaMind service, which allows users to download the visuals, language and music of movies and TV shows directly to their brains giving them the same memories as if they had watched the programs. MediaMind currently retails for $2,400 a month, but after the price reduction the service will be available for $1,999, a company spokesbot said.
Figures show that tattoo removal is now a billion-dollar business, but it’s not all good news for opponents of the ever-popular body decoration industry. Kayjay Norris of Tattooless Laser Center in Queens says many of his customers are merely coming in to get one tattoo erased so they can replace it with another.
“A lot of the tattoos we’re removing are quotes from books and stuff, like quotes from Catcher in the Rye or a Kelly Clarkson song,” Norris said. He said as people get older they find they prefer quotes from more mature books like The Tao of Pooh or 50 Shades of Grey, or the music of Blake Shelton.
Another popular reason for tattoo removal these days is the growing popularity of the new body decoration process known as skin lizardification.
Unemployment among men reached an all-time high of 75 percent last month, although some are quick to point out that the numbers are misleading since a large portion of the men cited in the survey are no longer seeking positions in the workforce.
Men have been defecting from the workplace in large numbers since 2015, when Ron Paul abandoned his political ambitions and launched the “Bar in Every Basement” initiative, which sought to extract men from the dog-eat-dog world of corporations and get them “puttering around the house working on various projects, as God intended.”
In related news, the average American home now has more barbecue pits and smokers than televisions, this according to the National Patio Association. Sales of in-home brick pizza ovens are also up 2.5 million percent in the last decade.
A 16-year-old boy in Waltham, Mass. was sent home today for violating his high school’s dress code. School officials said the boy wore jeans and a T-shirt, flaunting regulations which state that students must wear skintight latex unitards to class.
The officials said teachers and students were made very nervous by the boy’s clothes, saying he “could have had anything in there” including weapons or sandwiches, both of which are banned on school grounds.
The boy has taken to Facebook to make his case, posting holograms of his get-up and claiming he can show there are clearly no suspicious bulges anywhere.
Kim Kardashian says she’s hoping her clone is ready for a prime time unveiling sometime soon. Kardashian, 42/10, has been at the forefront of cloning news in recent years after she founded the Celebrity Clone Training Institute in Van Nuys, California. There, clones learn just how to assume the lives of their aging counterparts, undergoing what is called total persona immersion, as well as taking courses in drug addiction and rehab and marriage and divorce and marriage.
Kardashian said her clone, who is now 10 years old, already walks down Rodeo Drive with a bag in her hand “better than (she) ever did.” Kardashian also says her young doppelganger has only required two surgeries to get her nose where she wants, down from the five it took Kim the Elder.
Filmmaker J.J. Abrams took time out of his busy schedule yesterday to announce a new project. Abrams, who is currently directing the second of four new Star Wars sequels as well as the fourth movie in the ongoing Star Trek series, revealed that he has agreed to do a “reboot” of the Harry Potter movie franchise.
Abrams said he envisions the new film series spanning 12 movies and plans to recreate every single line of dialogue from the books in what he calls “the most faithful reproduction of a beloved book series ever made.” Abrams did caution fans not to expect much soon, as it will take the clones of Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and company about eight years to reach the age where they are ready to assume the roles again for the first time.
In other cloning news, a scientist in Helsinki has successfully cloned himself not as merely a human but as a human-horse hybrid, commonly known in folklore as a centaur.
The scientist said he expects his clone to survive into adulthood and be able to run at a pace of 45 mph as an adult centaur. He also said that if George Lucas would have dreamed of centaur clones when he had originally created Star Wars, the stormtroopers would have been “much more of a wildcard in the battle against the Rebellion.”
And finally, 50 is the new 60! That’s from doctors at the Lucky 7 Nutrition Institute and Casino in Atlanta, who say that after centuries of improved longevity, the modern lifestyle has reversed the trend. The doctors say the ubiquity of items like deep-fried burritos and alcoholic energy drinks and exposure to radiation via implanted cell phones and 3D headsets are to blame for the rapid aging of the population.
They admitted however that the trend toward cloning oneself in the belief that consciousness-transfer technology will soon be available on a mass scale was also a factor in people’s tendency to let themselves go.