On my father’s side of the family, there are four grandchildren older than 24. I am the only one not in the military.

I often feel like a faux American in their company. While they’re all sharing tales of landing C-130s without instruments under the cover of night or surviving laxative-spiked milkshakes served by a creative drill sergeant, I think about how what I do for a living doesn’t compare, unless writing articles about pregnant teachers somehow deters terrorism. (If so, you’re welcome, America.)

But with my inferiority complex also comes perspective in exactly what goes into protecting all those freedoms our country’s founding fathers pontificated about 235 years ago—news hook!—on July 4, 1776.

It makes holidays like Independence Day a little more meaningful. At the same time, it makes you wonder if some know the real reason they have a long weekend.

If Memorial Day was any indication, a lot of people will celebrate Independence Day by going to the beach and acting like the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore, the plague that keeps on giving. (Seriously, I witnessed a couple of blockheads almost get in a fistfight over a bathroom stall. Wouldn’t they have been done with their business quicker if they just waited for their turn?)

While it’s certainly anyone’s right to be an imbecile, folks like those guys at the Shore probably have never thought about the fact that if they lived exactly on the other side of the world, they’d be on the border of Kyrgyzstan and China and wouldn’t even have boardwalk pizza joint urinals to fight over.

Then there’s the more serious information in the international news every day that reinforces my thankfulness for being born here, even if it was by some quirk of nature. The value of American citizenship is not something I think about all the time, but it is something none of us should take for granted.

In honor of the liberties that eventually came with our country’s birthday (and in an effort to avoid further devolving into meaningless patriotic drivel), I decided to compile a very short list of some other things we take for granted. Just some food for thought while we watch the juiceheads fist pump each other.

Operational appliances - With all of today’s modern conveniences, we pretty much expect technology to work when we need it. We expect dishwashers to wash dishes, garage door openers to open garage doors and microwave ovens to dispense radiation in a manner that safely and acceptably cooks food into a semi-edible fashion.

An incident known in the Hamilton Post office as “The Atomic Chicken Massacre” has shattered that reality for all of us.

Norine Longo, the paper’s ad traffic coordinator, just wanted to enjoy a warm meal. Instead, she received a chicken tender that was blackened and mutilated in some spots, seemingly untouched in others.

Thick, stinky smoke billowed throughout the office as the microwave rendered Norine’s lunch into some sort of hideous mutant.

Making everything more confusing was that she had cooked a similar lunch longer in the same microwave a day earlier, and the meal came out cold. She’s rightfully shaken by it all.

“It’s all fun and games until your lunch gets vaporized,” she said in a statement. “I now have microwave trust issues.”

It’s something all of us here have to work through, long after all physical evidence of the incident has faded. And that hasn’t happened yet, at least for me.

Breathing - Really, breathing has to be the most overlooked thing in history. What’s the alternative to breathing? I don’t recommend anyone physically attempt to find out, although I doubt I’d hear from anyone who did.

I had a little blip on the breathing radar recently, and I’m still not exactly sure what caused my issue. It was sparked either by “The Atomic Chicken Massacre” or from the wimpy combination of seasonal allergies, high temperatures and poor air quality. I’ll go with the radiation mishap.

Whatever the cause, it highlighted just how important breathing is (and how much a pain in the butt breathing is when you have to think about it). If breathing wasn’t unconsciously controlled, probably about 75 percent of humans would get tired of breathing and simply stop because they were bored with it. The rest of us, if my example is typical, would be so focused on breathing that we would only have enough energy remaining to spend our waking hours on the couch and watching mediocre comedy movies on TBS. Nightmarish, really.

So, thank goodness we don’t have to think about breathing that much. Keep doing your thing, lungs!

Not being considered a fraud - Every now and then, I go through a phase where I attempt to shake intertia by travelling as often as possible.

I went through one of those phases recently, taking four trips in as many weeks. Two of those excursions took me to Boston, a place I enjoy and where I am apparently as welcome as unduly taxed tea. (Nobody dumped me in the harbor, thankfully.)

The source of the wariness seemed to be my New Jersey driver license.

On my first trip, my friends and I visited the Harpoon Brewery, where there was an annual brewfest. My Massachusetts-based pals breezed right on in. I had to produce my driver license and two credit cards with my name on them and swear I wasn’t a New York Yankee fan before I was allowed to proceed. Something similar happened at a restaurant when I visited the state a few weeks later.

And my native friend saved me certain ignominy by avoiding a store that refuses to serve to anyone not from Massachusetts.

So, this could all be a Bay State thing, where Massachusetts driver licenses have been declared king of them all. But I prefer to keep the chip on my shoulder because it’s what we do in Jersey.

Anyway, nothing really cures my stircraziness better than being distrusted because I’m from New Jersey. It’s always nice to come home, where I can relax and reconvene with my fellow swindlers.

Freedom to shout “Movie!” in a firehouse - It’s also nice to live in a country where we enjoy the ability to say and write whatever we want and only sometimes find government agents on our doorstep.

In all seriousness, journalists in the U.S. enjoy great freedoms. Take a trip to the Newseum in Washington, D.C., and check out the museum’s media freedom map, where countries are color-coded based on how media-friendly their laws are. Red—meaning no freedom of speech or expression—covers the map.

It looks like what a Rutgers football game would look like, if only Rutgers football had fans.

That all those Scarlet Knights fans out there won’t react to my comment with barbaric stone throwing, that’s what makes America great.

It’s a place where we can shout “Movie!” in a firehouse, even if that doesn’t make much sense. Much like this column, I suppose.

Have a great Fourth of July, everyone.

Rob Anthes is community editor of the Hamilton Post, where he has won several awards for his writing. He’s much too modest to call himself “award-winning,” but he finds ways around it. Read more of his work at mercerspace.com.